your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
