his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
