I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
