so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
