If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
