Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
