I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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