Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
