What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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