sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You brought string cheese to the strip club
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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