you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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