i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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