the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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