Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
