If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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