My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
