My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
