Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I need water and some morals
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
