awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
