TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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