Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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