Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
