So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
