Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
im holly from the hills drunk
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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