I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize