i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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