Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
