you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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