Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
