Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
