i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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