I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
