it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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