He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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