Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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