Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
