I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
