My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
