Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
