I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
areolas are like halos for boobs.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
