Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
