Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
