Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
