i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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