I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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