hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
