woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You pole danced in your parka.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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