too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
