college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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