you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
