im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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