Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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