My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
