dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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