I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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