he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I feel like a drive thru vagina
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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