I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
