I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize