Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
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