just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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