I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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