i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
