There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
40s are totally the cure
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
