But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
