he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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