Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
