FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just sucked dick on a ferry
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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